Receives As. Is rewarded with “Jams” shorts and Michael Jackson belt. Stares at Michael Jackson’s glove on buckle. Wears Jams and Michael Jackson belt simultaneously. Is told by parent it is bad to “dress like a crazy person.”
Looks at construction paper and bottle of glue. Looks at teacher. Spreads glue over palm to create “second skin” effect. Ingests remaining ~3ozs. Vomits near classmates. Is grounded for a week.
Is prohibited from glue. Uses tape. Covers face in tape. Tries to ingest tape. Spits tape on classmate. Is grounded for additional week.
Reads Donald Duck Goes Fishing, Clifford the Big Red Dog, The Giving Tree, Where the Sidewalk Ends, The Phantom Tollbooth.
Lights dish towel on fire. Runs to kitchen with flaming dish towel. Lifts lid on 40 gallon GLAD trashcan. Drops in flaming dish towel. Replaces lid to GLAD trashcan.
Melts Destro’s head. Hears knocking. Hears doorbell. Hears knocking. Adheres melted Destro to desk. Walks to door. Sees smoke. Looks at GLAD trashcan. Watches fire melt holes into GLAD trashcan.
Is shaken by three different firemen for ten minutes. Confesses.
Is grounded for a month. Reads The Search for Delicious, Ramona series, Superfudge, James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator. Rereads The Phantom Tollbooth.
Misreads school eye exam purposefully. Visits military optometrist. Misreads military optometrist eye exam purposefully. Is handed glasses by military optometrist. Reads eye exam accurately.
Watches military optometrist talk to male parent. Is told ~30 minutes later glasses were plastic.
Is grounded for a week. Reads Freckle Juice, Encyclopedia Brown, Chronicles of Narnia, Abraham Lincoln bio. Refuses to sleep. Cites fear of John Wilkes Booth.
Is grounded for an additional week. Reads A Wrinkle in Time, The Hobbit, Batman choose-your-own-adventure, Tíntín. Rereads The Phantom Tollbooth.
Stands in Dillard’s electronics section. Watches 30 TVs playing footage of a man hitting a wall with a sledgehammer. Steals Swatch watch. Buys Junior Mints in the mall movie theater. Walks to Service Merchandise. Stares at power drills. Walks to Dillard’s. Is seized by two security guards. Is lectured by mother and two security guards.
Is told punishment will be determined “When we feel like talking to you.” Writes 100-200 word apology letter. Is grounded for a week and told to write 500x “I will not steal from a store ever again.” Hears friends playing football outside. Writes poem:
Wish I could
Reads Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Lord of the Rings, Silver Surfer, Batman, The Infinity Gauntlet, Watchmen, Sin City. Rereads The Phantom Tollbooth.
Watches Animal House with parents. Is told to cover eyes when breasts appear. Looks at breasts through fingers. Asks parents “why does my [penis] get hard when I see a boob?” Watches parents laugh for ~15 minutes. Is told answer will come later in life.
Receives two Fs, one D, and three Cs on report card. Watches parents sing “two effs, one dee, and three seize’” and dance. Is grounded for a month. Cries in bedroom. Is licked by cat. Holds cat.
Reads Conan, King Arthur, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Britannica entries: Abraham Lincoln, the Black Plague, cats, Claude Monet, Ferrari, Norman Rockwell, Vikings. Rereads The Phantom Tollbooth.
[images by Norton Juster]