1986

Receives As. Is rewarded with “Jams” shorts and Michael Jackson belt. Stares at Michael Jackson’s glove on buckle. Wears Jams and Michael Jackson belt simultaneously. Is told by parent it is bad to “dress like a crazy person.”

Looks at construction paper and bottle of glue. Looks at teacher. Spreads glue over palm to create “second skin” effect. Ingests remaining ~3ozs. Vomits near classmates. Is grounded for a week.

Is prohibited from glue. Uses tape. Covers face in tape. Tries to ingest tape. Spits tape on classmate. Is grounded for additional week.

Reads Donald Duck Goes Fishing, Clifford the Big Red Dog, The Giving Tree, Where the Sidewalk Ends, The Phantom Tollbooth.

1987

Lights dish towel on fire. Runs to kitchen with flaming dish towel. Lifts lid on 40 gallon GLAD trashcan. Drops in flaming dish towel. Replaces lid to GLAD trashcan.

Melts Destro’s head. Hears knocking. Hears doorbell. Hears knocking. Adheres melted Destro to desk. Walks to door. Sees smoke. Looks at GLAD trashcan. Watches fire melt holes into GLAD trashcan.

Is shaken by three different firemen for ten minutes. Confesses.

Is grounded for a month. Reads The Search for Delicious, Ramona series, Superfudge, James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator. Rereads The Phantom Tollbooth.

1988

Misreads school eye exam purposefully. Visits military optometrist. Misreads military optometrist eye exam purposefully. Is handed glasses by military optometrist. Reads eye exam accurately.

Watches military optometrist talk to male parent. Is told ~30 minutes later glasses were plastic.

Is grounded for a week. Reads Freckle Juice, Encyclopedia Brown, Chronicles of Narnia, Abraham Lincoln bio. Refuses to sleep. Cites fear of John Wilkes Booth.

Is grounded for an additional week. Reads A Wrinkle in Time, The Hobbit, Batman choose-your-own-adventure, Tíntín. Rereads The Phantom Tollbooth.

1989

Stands in Dillard’s electronics section. Watches 30 TVs playing footage of a man hitting a wall with a sledgehammer. Steals Swatch watch. Buys Junior Mints in the mall movie theater. Walks to Service Merchandise. Stares at power drills. Walks to Dillard’s. Is seized by two security guards. Is lectured by mother and two security guards.

Is told punishment will be determined “When we feel like talking to you.” Writes 100-200 word apology letter. Is grounded for a week and told to write 500x “I will not steal from a store ever again.” Hears friends playing football outside. Writes poem:

Wish I could
go outside
sucks

Reads Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Lord of the Rings, Silver Surfer, Batman, The Infinity Gauntlet, Watchmen, Sin City. Rereads The Phantom Tollbooth.

1990

Watches Animal House with parents. Is told to cover eyes when breasts appear. Looks at breasts through fingers. Asks parents “why does my [penis] get hard when I see a boob?” Watches parents laugh for ~15 minutes. Is told answer will come later in life.

Receives two Fs, one D, and three Cs on report card. Watches parents sing “two effs, one dee, and three seize’” and dance. Is grounded for a month. Cries in bedroom. Is licked by cat. Holds cat.

Reads Conan, King Arthur, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Britannica entries: Abraham Lincoln, the Black Plague, cats, Claude Monet, Ferrari, Norman Rockwell, Vikings. Rereads The Phantom Tollbooth.

[images by Norton Juster]

A man opens the video saying,”Girl, you know I love you.”

After ~20 seconds of synchronized dancing, including a man in khakis doing “windmills” in the grass, and a shirtless man humping the asphalt (:40), the artist know as “MC Luscious” claims a romantic involvement with an unnamed woman’s boyfriend.

The artist says the boyfriend saw her at a local gym with his friends. The boyfriend grabbed MC Luscious by the arm and pulled her toward him. He reportedly said, “I will be yours until the day I die,” and “I’ll be with you until the end,” hinting grimly at a suicide pact.

MC Luscious says she found the man attractive, citing his “natural shake” and “low Mercedes” with “boom in the trunk.” She claims the boyfriend kissed her on the cheek, and that he calls every night to say, “I like you a lot.”

It is unknown at what point the man disclosed his prior relationship, or if MC Luscious previously knew of his involvement with another woman.

MC Luscious advises other women to maintain their relationships by keeping their boyfriends in their field of vision every single night. Otherwise, MC Luscious’ sartorial prowess and dancing talents will “show your man what its all about” and cause him to end your relationship.

The artist concludes with what seems like a schizophrenic episode, wherein MC Luscious has a conversation with herself in two different voices.

MC Luscious does not maintain a web presence and could not be reached for comment.

Panel photo: Idiot, Amelia Gray, Microphone, “Psychedelic” Logo

Invited to take Adam’s place on a SXSW panel. Topic of panel was “Why New Authors should think like Indie Bands [re the internet].” Arrived at hotel late. Said to SXSW volunteer, “Hi, I’m looking for the green room.” Woman looked back for 5-6 seconds and said, “Are you a panelist?” Said, “Yeah.” She said “Stairs,” and pointed to the steps, then to the ceiling.

Walked into the green room. Floor was carpet printed with large vines and leaves. There was a drink station with free coffee and bottled water. Saw Amelia and said hi. Met panel host Gavin St. Ours and Alan Porter. We talked about Twitter and China. Said at some point, “This room isn’t green,” and someone explained the origins of the green room. Listened, then got coffee.

Joked about making a shank from the styrofoam cup and stabbing people because the room seemed like a prison.

Walked to the panel room. Thought “Should I pee now?” Imagined peeing at the table and thought “I should pee now.” Looked at the crowd and Amelia said, “I think I’m going to pee.” Said, “Me too,” and followed her to bathrooms.

Said things like “measuring your self worth in followers and traffic is [opinion]” and thought “I stopped at a stop sign and waited ~30 seconds for it to turn green while convincing myself success and failure don’t exist,” while watching the audience tweet.

Read Secrets and Surprises by Ann Beattie and The Moral Animal by Robert Wright. Imagined a puffy couch where these two books sit and talk to each other in squeaky, unintelligible voices.

Read David Shields interview at HTML Giant. Paused when he said, “Art saves nobody. Neither does anything else.” Said “nobody” and looked at roommate. He was watching Eastbound and Down.

Read Jennifer Moore essay “‘No discernable emotion and no discernable lack of emotion’: On Tao Lin” and paused where she writes “What we feel here is a sense of exhaustion, not just with the postmodern or aesthetic possibility, but with the writing process itself…” Thought “exhausted” and was asked “Do you have an iPod charger” by a co-worker.

Weatherhead’s mom says “Do you want leftover beef?” and he says, “Yeah.”

Picture listening to rap music and Nite Jewel the whole year, spent, ideally, in bed, singing “Am I Real” and eating dried pineapples, yeah:

Drove to grocery store for waffles. Looked at cones while waiting for a policeman to wave. Thought “dehumanized” and looked at the policeman’s hair. Saw a woman jogging and puffing her cheeks.

Stood in grocery store and looked at lights and aisles. Thought “no coffee or food in my body yet” and imagined vomiting. Put items in a basket indiscriminately. Blonde woman turned corner and looked at basket. Became sensitive to basket’s contents. Cookies, cereal, beer, hummus, syrup, waffles, dried pineapples slices.

Imagined taking everything back and getting blueberries, strawberries, apples, and granola. Walked to checkout and told the checkout girl “paper,” then “how are you?” The checkout girl said she was “Doing Ok but..[sic]…couldn’t get to work.”

Walked to coffee shop. Talked to person in coffee shop. Purchased coffee and listened to person in coffee shop. Left coffee shop. Played Yellowman on iPhone and drove home. Carried bags inside and made waffles. Ate waffles and thought “AWP.”

Read “An Unnecessary Consideration of How 10+ Years of Daily Writing Has Changed My Wiring, Which I Wish I’d Considered Before I Started Even If I Wouldn’t Have Understood” and reread “What the Fuck Does ‘In Real Life’ Mean If You Live In Front of Your Computer?”

Hey nice:

BEBE ZEVA, from MDMA Films
………………………………………………..
………………………………………………..

It is Monday. Listening to Lil’ Boosie. Think Boosie is clinically depressed.

Opened eyes at 9:33 a.m. Looked at pile of clothes and dust under dresser.

Made list of tasks:

Sweep
Laundry
Trash
Bills

Thought “let’s fucking do this” and got out of bed. Played “Poppin Them Bottles” by Lil Wayne and found a clean shirt. Took 72mg of Concerta and washed face. Made Cafe Bustelo and ate whole wheat toast with strawberry preserves.

Thought “sweep” and looked for broom. Walked to backyard, no broom. Walked to kitchen, no broom. Walked to backyard, no broom. Walked to kitchen. Found broom behind refrigerator. Added “dishes” to list of tasks. Walked to bedroom and thought “laundry.” Gathered pile of clothes and threw them on bed. Thought “maintain your blog” and picked up a pair of socks. Stacked baskets and thought “Alice Munro raised three children.” Looked at a dime and several nickels on the floor. Picked up each coin and said, “money hungry.” Swept two nails, unidentifiable crumbs, “dust bunnies,” Target receipt, and wood chips into a pile. Swept pile into dustpan and emptied in trashcan. Walked outside and emptied trashcan in larger trashcan.

Walked inside and thought of 3-4 emails that need a reply. Walked outside and checked mail. Received They #2  and mailer from Poets & Writers magazine. Walked to bedroom and lifted stack of baskets. Walked outside to washing machine. Loaded clothes, added soap, activated washing machine. Read Brandon Scott Gorrell story in They #2 standing next to washing machine. Logged into Capital One website and paid bill. Clicked Twitter bookmark and typed “first person to send me a million dollars gets robbed.” Deleted tweet and laid in bed. Listened to washing machine and thought “dishes.” Closed eyes.

Dreamed something like:

Gene Morgan, rumored co-inventor of Domino’s Pizza Tracker technology, has created “A night of literature and party” February 4, in Washington, DC (<3 him).

Read Andrew James Weatherhead’s “The Blueprint 2” and Ana C’s “make-believe love-making” while standing in the kitchen and drinking Topo Chico.

Victoria Trott has created “what i did in my room.” Okay Mountain at the Blaffer Museum in Houston [here].

Sunday night. Drank lots of wine. Listening to Anika.

Went to Progress coffee and ordered a bran muffin and coffee. Sat outside and read 26 page preview of “Voyage in the Dark” by Jean Rhys on Google Books. Was approached by labrador brought by woman two tables over. Labrador contracted its nose while staring at bran muffin. Woman yanked on labrador’s leash. Labrador walked to woman’s feet and laid down.

Looked at reflection in Honda symbol on steering wheel. Thought “sizing me up” and turned on NPR. NPR said Sarah Palin shot a Democrat (or something) in the head.

Got home and heater wasn’t working. Put on a black sweater and opened TODO folder. Looked at contents of TODO folder and thought “too cold to work.” Googled “Jean Rhys” and reread all of Tao Lin’s blog posts on Jean Rhys. Went outside and looked at squirrel run along the fence and jump into a tree. Thought “she’s sad and funny and accepting…a ‘rum of a life’” and smiled. Walked inside and sat in front of computer. Replied to emails and read Mike Topp’s Sasquatch Stories. Saw MDMA Films tweet an invite for people to join a group chat for a Q&A with Tao Lin and Megan Boyle.

Chatted Tao Lin and joined. Watched people entering the chat. Chats seemed to appear quickly. Brain had difficulty gathering existing knowledge of MDMA Films, assessing that knowledge for gaps (which could be “bridged” in Q&A), and reading chats which seemed funny or interesting. Was also distracted by thoughts like “it’s cold” and “so much to do” (while closing TODO folder). Typed “meth and crack” in chat window. Then typed something like “does experiencing meth or crack interest you” and hit enter. They both replied yes. Brandon Scott Gorrell asked about their financial situation and Megan Boyle said they had received some money from Tao Lin’s parents for getting married (they married in Las Vegas). Laughed and the heater started working. Closed chat and reopened TODO folder.

Have a poem titled LASHONDA at New Wave Vomit.

Steve Roggenbuck posted an essay titled “Writing Style in relation to Buddhism and Veganism” on his blog.

Erik Stinson’s mix “Narus” is still available for download. Tracks include Sade’s “Kiss of Life” and “Synthesizer Man” by OutKast.

Reading with Blake Butler, Amelia Gray, Deb Olin Unferth and others at DC Zoo February 4th.

It is Saturday. Listening to Camera Obscura:

[Evan Hatch has posted complete MDMA Films Q&A group chat transcript]

Laid in bed and listened to Gordon Lish talk about Tao Lin, Justin Taylor, Allen Ginsberg, Louis Ginsberg, Jack Gilbert, carrying obscure books to “get girls,” being afraid of cell phones, etc., on iPhone. Thought “hustlin” in the voice of Rick Ross while stretching and throwing off blankets.

Read 8-9 Kim Chinquee stories in NOON and ate Frosted Mini-Wheats. Thought “stories feel like emails sometimes.” Drank Cafe Bustelo and read “The Duchess of Albany” by Christine Schutt, also in NOON.

Called mom and talked about True Blood. Talked to stepdad about “Call of Duty/Medal of Honor,” iPhone repair costs, Adderall, Concerta, pacemakers, corporations, level of toxins in drinking water, and how “anything can kill you.” Hung up and typed for 2 hours. Was distracted occasionally by thoughts of squirrels, Whataburger mustard, John Cheever, “Christmas spirit,” and something like “why are people so afraid…of electronic devices?” Saved Pages file and took a nap.

Woke and read Jack Gilbert poems on “Poemhunter.com” Was frightened by flash advertisement which said “Congratulations you’ve won a $1,000 Wal-Mart gift card.” Here is a Jack Gilbert poem:

DIVORCE

Woke up suddenly thinking I heard crying.
Rushed through the dark house.
Stopped, remembering. Stood looking
out at bright moonlight on concrete.

Downloaded free Paint program:

It is Saturday. Christmas. Listening to Vashti:

Drove home listening to an NPR story on a 30-pound flea in North Carolina. Looked at trash bin while walking through the door. Thought about Bobbie Ann Mason story “State Champions” while hauling trash bin to the street. In the story, a basketball team wins the state championship. Went inside and put “Ethnic Gourmet” Pad Thai with Tofu in the microwave. Imagined a woman in Kentucky eating the same thing.

Sat at iMac and ate Pad Thai with Tofu. Reread “i am like october when i am dead” by Steve Roggenbuck. Wrote an email to Steve and washed fork. Placed Pad Thai with Tofu tray in recycling and fork in dishwasher.

Cleaned room. Took shirts from a pile and threw them into another pile. Took pants and threw them with the shirts. Thought of a series of Vimeo videos called “Cleaning My Room.” Opened Pages documents and typed things. Looked at Vimeo. Roommate said “Thanks for grabbing the trash.”

It is Friday. Listening to Too $hort’s “existential classic”…

Read Christine Schutt’s Facebook wall and a favorable review of Orange Juice at PANK blog while laying in bed and listening to a moth beat against the window. Thought “This moth should be taken seriously” and desired Frosted Mini-Wheats.

Walked through bathroom. Saw a puddle in the bathtub. (Bathtub is uneven and water collects at one end. Thought “Can fiction level bathtubs?”) Poured Horizon milk over Frosted Mini-Wheats. Walked to bedroom and saw moth crawling between blinds.

Ate Frosted Mini-Wheats and read a Blake Butler essay. Stared past Apple symbol on iMac and sensed contentment. Laid on bed and saw moth crawling on window ledge. Thought about tennis, “maximalist/minimalist,” bandanas, Tom Clancy, psychotropic drugs, DSM-IV, wrists duct-taped together, a man hanging from his patio, whether to put empty cereal bowl in the sink or in the dishwasher, whether roommate ran the dishwasher and if the dishwasher needed to be emptied. Moth flew over bed. Cupped moth gently and set it outside.

It is Friday. Listening to Big Moe.

Drove to Raymond Uhlir’s for Thanksgiving. Met his grandmother-in-law. Her name is Tim. She is small and has a nice smile. She prefaces most statements with “oh my…” (e.g., “Oh my, I’ve never seen so many pies.”) Got a text from Carlos Rosales-Silva which read “thankful for all my trill homies.” Wanted to show Tim the text. Wanted to hear Tim laugh and say “Oh my, that’s so nice.” Replied “thankful I ride wit true Gs” and put phone away.

Asked Tim if “Tim” is her full name. She said “My name is Adrienne. But my daddy called me Timmy.”